My Blog

its a known fact. last night was a good example of that.

I was sitting downstairs…..had just finished the last post and was walking over to the door to grab my people style watch magazine. haha then I noticed that on the bench next to the door there was…..oh yess! cigarettes…o_O!

ugg….my dad must have set them by the door after getting back from work >_< I quickly walked away. haha found myself pacing back and forth downstairs. this was at like three in the morning so what did I do to stay away from that addiction? ….I held on to another to keep my mind off of it. ate all of the food I could get and then I was stuck in this place where I could be a compusive eater and get fat. or I could erase this whole thing and go to bed. so I went to bed with an empty stomach >_< mmm…….

and now that its the next day…..I fell into that again  hmm…I went a full three weeks without random eating problems but then I screwed it all up because I wanted something else that I was addicted to =[ and now I see myself falling back into this problem quickly. I need to tell someone…..

I mean, I have people that I can call when I feel like I could fall back into stuffs….but it was like four in the morning and I cant mess up someone else’s school/work because I need someone to talk to =1

I called a friend today that has had the same problem and now shes getting over it turns out that over the summer…..my older sisters were worried about me because I was dangerously thin ahha and I didn’t see this. in fact, that was a point in time where I was feeling the worst and the ugliest :P i’ve always told myself that I wanted to be 105 and then i’d be pretty…but I could never get to it. so I was unhappy. I got down to 107…not as low as I wanted but whatevs =1

so I thought that if I was dangerously thin I would be happy haha but then I find out that I got there and I didn’t see it =[ I should have enjoyed it more.

so………..now I have alot to think about.

first off i’m telling my parents that I need help again. whats not doing anything gonna do?….ya know?

and then………take it one step at a time. =1

ha so off that lol

its my birthday tomorrow and I have no plans………….hmm………turns out that I burnt some bridges this summer. like last year I had a party. it wasn’t big but it was all of my close friends and family.

now……jake, the guy ive known since preschool, wont come over because….well…..he’s always been a goodie good and haha its his cute quark. he lost some morals and called me at like three in the morning…..thinking that I would talk about certain things on the phone with him but I said no.  I told him that and he said goodnight. then the next day I was all like……hun you must have been really horny to call me and not your girlfriend! haha and he somehow got amnesia haha he had no memory of calling me at three in the morning hahahha so………I haven’t really talked to him after that =[ he was really pisses at me =[ I guess it was like an emergency or something lol

then theres ryan haha jakes blonde best friend lol he pretty much chose jake over me. which sucked because we were pretty close friends……haha and he….takes good photos @.@

then barbie………….she came quick to judgment and it was hurtful. it doesnt really make sense because I just dont wanna talk about it  =p

and caleb wont be there because haha…….we had a falling out just before summer. he asked me to the grace prom and I got my dress! was sooooo excited! i’ve never been to one before. so….he backed out on me…six days before. I had already bought my dress. I even have it in my closet right now >_< and I will never use it so ha i’m not talking to him after that. we tried to fix it but the whole….I dont want to go with someone like you……..made friendship not work.

ahha and hannah. yess I was friends with hannah sidebotham last year xD I have no idea why…….ugg she told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk to joel because he was hers and they were going to have cute kids and have the perfect life together. she was all like……..stay out of our lives!!!! haha xDDDDDD haha seeing that I was his bestie…it kinda pissed me off that she would tell me that haha what a freak. I guess she wants like ten kids lol ………….. psycho much? haha

joel is another friend that wont see me on my birthday. we were best buds. we met when I was like twelve. seemed like a sweetie. but ended up taking advantage and then treating me like dirt =[ note to self…wrestlers are jerks =p if he wasnt kyles best friend …id never have to see him again. but seeing that they have the band. I know that im going to see him =p which means I get called names forever =[

then anya cant be there because her family took her away cuz we were too close =[

then that meant KC couldnt see me because thats anyas cousin and she was told to cut my out or cut fam out.

the list goes on =[

I think kyle was the only person that kept talking to me after lies were told. we both decided to check up on each other everyday. its helped me a lot!

I made some friends in the summer but….they weren’t really the type of friends I need now.

so…………

I’m lost.

idk what i’m doing for my birthday.

maybe i’ll…..go to the beach or something or……….see a movie lol idk

perhaps i’ll walk over and get my license lol ya never know! I might surprise you!  haha

so when I wake in the morning……I will be an adult ^_^ haha yay!!!!